My Space

I have started a myspace page... check it out!

www.myspace.com/pammylew

I am going to try to keep up with both, but you guys know how I am!!!! LOLOLOL

You ever have one of those mornings where you just didn’t want to get out of the shower??
That is how my day started!
It was so cold in my house this morning and I jumped in the shower and it felt so good! I just stood there while the hot water warmed my body. If only the rest of the day could make you feel as relaxed as the shower does, we would all be pleasant people!!!!

HAPPY MONDAY!

SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED!!!!

Well I’m at the end of my chemo treatments and let me tell you, it can’t come quick enough!!!! My last one is Oct. 30th. WOO HOO!!!!!!
The side affects really wear you down! But I know that I have to do it in order to ensure a good outcome, so I just have to be tough.
Granted I’m not throwing up and feeling really tired all the time, but my joints and muscles ache so bad. Not too mention other side affects like numbness in my fingers and toes, nosebleeds, mouth sores, blurry vision sometimes, my skin looks like an alligator, plus a few more that are too gross to mention.

Plus I would like to express how sad I am that my chances of ever being able to have another child are now at slim to none I’m sure. I haven’t researched it, but I have been told by so many that the chemo drugs can cause damage. I had a hard time before, so I’m almost positive that I might as well give up.
I’m going to talk to my doctor about it and get his opinion, but with my history, it’s probably not going to happen for me! We have thought about adoption so many times, so that may be the way to go for us. Or maybe I will just be thankful that He gave me Austin and leave it at that.

I guess that is enough whining! I am just thankful that I’m alive and able to complain.

Some people aren’t that fortunate.

VANISHING ACT...

Boy, I did a real vanishing act didn’t I. I can’t believe I haven’t updated this page since I found out about my cancer!
Well, just so you know… I’m doing ok. I’m taking it a day at a time, just like anyone else would. Of course I have my moments, but don’t we all!
Here is a quick update:
I’ve had a complete modified radical mastectomy on my right breast.
They removed 20 lymph nodes and found cancer in 3.
All other tests were clear. So I’m hoping it was contained and they got it all.
The tumor itself was 15 cm with patches of malignancy sized at 1cm, 3 cm and 5cm.
I am currently doing chemo and am now halfway through it.
I go to Birmingham every two weeks for treatment.
I opted to join a study to do an experimental drug along with the chemo called Avastin.
I will continue with the Avastin for a year.
I’m not sure about radiation treatments yet.
I still have to go through reconstructive surgery, but I can’t do that until after I stop the Avastin.
Those are the highlights.
I have cried and felt like I could drop off into a deep depression, but I have so many reasons to feel blessed!!!
I have lost my boob, but they can make me another one.
I have lost my hair, but it will grow back with time.
I am sick from the chemo probably 65% of the time, but I know I will be better when it’s over.
We are so broke from missing work, traveling, prescriptions, doctor bills, etc… but God will get us through it. He blessed me with friends, family and work that have helped tremendously!

THE DREADED MIDDLE SCHOOL

I know this post is long overdue considering school has been out a month, but...

It's official.

Austin is going to Middle School! Of course I'm glad he passed, but this will be such a difference for him. You know, the class changing, bullies, puberty, more responsibilites, etc...
I hope he does well. I'm sure he will, but there is always that fear that he will start running with the "wrong crowd" and become some sort of thug!
Hopefully I did my job as a parent some what and he will know better and actually use his knowledge of what is right and wrong and won't fall to the peer pressure!
Wish us the best!

NEW HAIR CUT

OK. I need some suggestions for a new haircut. I'm sure I will lose my hair as soon as I have to start chemo so I need to go ahead and get use to short to no hair quick. This is going to be rather hard for me. I have NEVER had short hair. I can't ever remember a time that it has been shorter that just above my shoulders.
I have looked online, but I just can't find anything that suits me. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of cute short styles that I love, but I just don't think they are going to look right on me.
I just don't know of any short do's that will fit my big, round head!
I now have very thin, fine hair and my face is very round, so see my problem?

HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!!

IT'S BEEN WHILE....MISS ME?

Well... Here I am.
I often have a vision of sitting in a hammock overlooking an amazing open green field with yellow and red flowers in bloom. In the distance I see two little girls taking a walk with their mother and they are all wearing white dresses walking through the field picking the flowers. Then there is the girls little brother and father walking behind them trying to catch crickets and grasshoppers to use for fish bait. They wander off in the distance and my day ends with a hot bath and a good book.

Yeah this is just one of many fantasies that I wish my life was like, but my life has been far from this!!!!!! Most of you know that I haven't had anything near a life like my fantasies in fact, it was a nightmare. So things can only get better right - WRONG

I have now faced another obstacle ... BREAST CANCER
That's right. The big "C" has now graced it's presence in my body!
Here is the set up -
I find a lump on the top of my right breast while in the shower. So I tell myself, "oh it will go away." A month passes and it is still there. I tell Todd and he of course tells me to make an appointment. But I wait. Then, I find out that a close friend of mine had just been diagnosed and was going for surgery. This was my wake up call. I made my appointment and I ended up being in the same situation as my friend. Lucky for me, she has been there every step and has walked me through it all. Plus I have another friend whose mother has faced it as well, so I have had a huge support system.
Of course the first thing that ran through my mind was "WHY ME"!!! But then I just decided that I am glad it was me and not my son, husband or grandmother. I don't think I could handle it as well if it had been one of them.
Anyway - I was diagnosed and had a modified radical mastecomy last Tuesday. I am now at home hoping for a full recovery. I know I have a long road ahead of me, but I know that I am strong enough to face it, I have two drain tubes that will be coming out on Monday, then I have to be fitted for a prosthetic. I will also be starting chemo soon and maybe radiation treatments.
After all of my treatments then I will have to wait at least 6 months before I can go through reconstructive surgery. Then I will be as good as new!

I just want everyone to pray for me and my family and I know all will be well!
I am a firm believer in that what does not kill us, will make us stronger!

IDOL NEWS

Idol was a shocker. I was NOT expecting to see Chris go. I don't really care for him, but I thought he would either win or be the runner up.
My favorites have always been Taylor and Katherine.
I liked Mandisa too, but I didn't think she would win because she was a large girl and a lot of people are prejudice against that.

All I can say is this...

IF Elliot the Leprechaun wins, then I will not watch next year!!!!

FLOWERS, BUGS AND CANOES

Over the weekend during the free time we had in between games, I walked the facility that the baseball team stayed at. It was beautiful. I could have taken a million pictures, but Todd was walking around with me and he was being patient with me, so I didn't want to push my luck.

Here are some of the things I found (my favorites) from my mini hike.


OF COURSE, this last one is my favorite. I took about 20 shots of this one and the grasshopper just sat there like he was on the Red Carpet or something!!!!

NATURE IS SO BEAUTIFUL!!!! I can't wait to have the opportunity and time to do this again! I REALLY should try to take pictures at least one weekend out of the month for things I want to capture. Plus it is very relaxing and helps me forget about the world happening around me.

Please let me know what you think!

ON THE LIGHTER SIDE...

Let's get back to me in this lifetime.

My weekend was great and stressful all in the same. To sum it up, we had a baseball tournament this past weekend here in our area. For once in a long time we didn't have to travel anywhere. The team came to us!!! (Austin plays on a tournament team from a town 3 hours away and we usually have to do the traveling).
I set the team up at a very nice, private place here in our town that I never even knew existed. I found it on the internet!! WOW..what a trip!!!
ANYWAY - It was beautiful. Instead of a hotel, the kids were free to run around like crazy while not playing games. They didn't have to worry about being quiet and not running due to the fear of being to loud and bothering other guests. IT WAS GREAT!!!!!

Stressful part was the actual games. I always weird out when they play because of obvious reasons. It's competitive ball and we want to win. Of course that should be the way it works right???? Well needless to say, that was not the way it worked this time. Some of the kids acted as though they had never picked up a baseball before. VERY STRESSFUL when you have some that want to be there and do their best. It was heartbreaking!!!!! Maybe they just wanted to be back at the cabin having a fun time fishing, hiking and so forth that they forgot the reason they were here!
They actually placed 3rd, but could have won the whole thing if they would have tried!!!!

Here is a picture that I took of Austin while on 3rd base working on stealing home.

Here is another picture that I took of him sitting in the dugout while they batted. He was actually sitting with a buddy and they are both in the picture, but I cropped it so you could see his eyes. I love the way they look in this picture.
HE'S JUST SO DANG BEAUTIFUL TO ME!!!!

You all know that he didn't get that eye color from me. That is his daddy made over!!!!